I must be too annoying 4 u.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
