ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
