It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
