There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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