if you like me you must not know who I am
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
