I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
