god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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