Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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