everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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