i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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