im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize