the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
