i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Can I color on your dick again?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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