Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
