two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
