Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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