Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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