Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
