i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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