How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
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It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
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Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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