she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
