I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So here I am, sexting at work.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
