This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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