hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
