I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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