you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
