So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
