Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
there is glitter all over my balls
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