The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
