I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
