after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
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