Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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