On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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