My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
