no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
