Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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