and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
