Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
