the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
