omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
