Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you had me at cake vodka
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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