I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Can I color on your dick again?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
