i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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