The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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