I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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