If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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