you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
