I haven't been this sober since birth.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
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Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
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I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.