Your tits are I can't wait for
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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