so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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