Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Randomize
