She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
should my penis look like a turkey
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
