I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
