her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
