Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The power of my boobs compel you
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
