Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
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She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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