I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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