His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
